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i dunno

if i could make you happy by saying yes.. i would
i did

if i could make you happy by changing.. i would
i did

if i could make you happy by sacrificing my time.. i would
i did

if i could make you happy by sacrificing my family and friends.. i would
i did

if i could make you happy by lying and pretending.. i would
i did

i have lived so long for your happiness banking that your given happiness would be sufficient to light my heart..
its just that the light has grown dim..

if i could love you forever.. i would... i really would..
i still love you.. it pains me to see you hurt.. it pains me to my core..

perhaps you felt the same way.. perhaps you 'if i could-i would-i did' on me too...

you are everything I wanted and more.. why did the feeling fade.. but the pain strengthens..

because i did 'if i could-i would-i did' and it shouldn't be like that.. it should be effortless deeds that pleases each other. living on accomodating is difficult.

its eating me up.. its killing me. yet why can't i leave..

i m tired.. of lying.. accomodating.. of crying wolf of 'break up' when I couldn't let you go.
let you go to another one. knowing I lost you forever.

you said that I would be in the special place in your heart forever.. but i just want to love you, instead god played a joke on me and took the love away, replaced it with pain.

its really painful.. its hurting.. i was wrong to say I felt pain. this is like no other.

yet I know.. that you will not change.. you are an open book that will remain the same.
it is me. that fooled you with a fake story, in the end I destroyed the only thing I ever wanted in my life. you.

i destroyed it by pretending to be someone I am not. cuz I adapt too easily into another skin and mask just to please you. can you even tell that you really know me.

how could I have ever thought that giving you little moments of happiness would bring such distress and unsettledness in me.

yes. we could be together. forever. mend each other hearts.
but there is too much old shit to change. n its not like new shit won't come.
will you be willing to work with me..

or will this repeat.

... we could go on separate ways.. into the uncertainty and into the big world outside our bubble.
i could find someone that I can effortlessly make him happy without accomodating..
you could find someone that love you as much as you love her.. now isn't that a beautiful thought.

i could also fall into the same trap over n over again because I am me and I cannot change my eager to please ways..
you could also ... you see this is the problem.. i do not think you will have a problem at all.. cuz ur that wonderful.

i still remember the man i fell in love with.. now he is gone, replaced by a babylike boy who is childlike and playful.
n u still remember the woman u fell in love with... now she is gone, replaced by a wild. overambitious insecure workaholic.

hence we tried. tried to love who we have became.. most of all we accomodate to these changes..n it sucks.. cuz i m wondering where is my man and you are wondering where is the woman who caught your heart.

sometimes its predictable. your actions and behaviour. like how you would turn up today unannounced, n how u are extra careful and sweet.. how u thank someone you hated before.. just to tag at another chance with me..
but when u score it, will u keep on with this behaviour... or will you just turn back to normal...cuz if u do.. we'll probably end up like this again.

i was so influenced by my mom's diary... words of love and pride of her man before she died.. I wanted to experience it... but I couldn't with you.

of course I do not know what to do....
how can one be rational at love when it is the only thing that you can be irrational and lose your control completely. i love to drown in the emotions... without passing thru the customs of the rational airport.

sure i know what I want.
if i leave.. i want to be happy. be free. find out who i am.. play.. work at my own pace.. grab career opportunities the minute they sparked up.

and if i stay.. i know I want to be happy once more, to be in love again with the same person who stole my heart.. cuz if i have the ability to love.. i would love you again.. and no other.. cuz ur that fabulous to me.

but i guess it was all lost one rainy day.... the day where I so cruelly tested u with my anger, not that I am that furious anyway. n since then.. everything went downhill.. we lost what was sweet and romance became routine. kisses became greetings. and the feeling of bliss just by touching ur finger became nothingness, just like touching ur own finger.

since then, i have tried.. i pleaded.. for things to go back to where they were.. but u couldn't do it. didn't wanna do it. i dunno.
then things went on the path that lead us to today.. the accomodating, compromising, sacrificial routine of everyday life for each other.

isn't things supposed to be as effortless as the big before. where a single conversation in front of the class send tingles of love down our spine and melting our hearts?

where has that go... i am still searching.. where.. maybe it has gone away for good.. maybe it has gone to someone else.. which I fervently hope it did. cuz you couldn't bring it back. not one time..
maybe it takes too much effort and toll on you, but it shouldn't when the mere existence of me right in the chair in front of you makes you feel like that luckiest guy in the world.

u probably forgotten how it felt then.. cuz ur so comfortable now. cuz if we were in that state.. i wouldn't be like this.. so stupidly accomodating to ur needs and happiness.... i wish that it would come back.. for me. for us.

but how could it when you didn't want it to go back to the way it were before..n also, now we have both changed into something we are both not comfortable with.

n we also have different needs and goals now..

yes i hold you dear.. n i care. and I love you.. but i have no confidence in making this be good anymore..
i have no more confidence in being happy and high up in heavens when u get me something nice..
i only see it as another chain locking me down to this routine of accomodation and nothingness.
more n more chains popped up.. n i grew more n more distressed... especially when u play the controlling chain game...it just tears me up...

but i m a coward.. i do not want to leave you.. yet i do not want to attempt to try and get the love back cuz i m afraid of the same accomodating, compromising, life with you.

i do not know what i want. n i have no confidence in love anymore.. when something so beautiful can become something so dull and grey in such a short time..

i wished i could have done things differently.. to keep the passion alive...

but now i just need to know if i can go on... or not.

i just dunno... dunno.... dunno

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