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8/8/03

THE HONEST ME

..how m i going to start. .. i just did something vv wrong. again.

..and i m feeling... stoned. i wonder what's wrong with me. i really wonder whats wrong with me.

i m so frustrated at myself.. i need to talk to someone right now but there was no one. so all i could do is to blog. and i really don't wanna tell it to others.. i dun need them to think that i m asking for pity or sympathy...or trying to prove i m innocent. i m guilty i know it and i can't help it.


even writing this now seems wrong to me.

i have been trying so hard..so so hard..to change myself into a better person. and everytime i tried too hard.. all i get was..." u r so fake".

i m aware that i m not a good person....i m trying my best..my vv best. but i just can't able to change myself. keeping quiet is wrong.. laughing is wrong...talking is wrong..joking is wrong.. what m i really supposed to do??

should i say sorry everytime i made a mistake? what for? saying sorry is only to make the person who is wrong less guilty. and if everything could be cured by a single word, 'sorry'.. i might as well not change.
but... other than apologizing... what can i really do??.. what?..

should i cry?.. and make others think that i m making them sympathise me?..and make others think that no matter how much i cry..i m not innocent.

should i say it out to others?.. what if the more i said.. the more faults i make?

or should i stop everything? and just be alone?.. this way no one gets hurt. but that would mean running away.


i really felt like talking to him at the moment.. moment like this when i needed him the most..


.. i felt like shit. i really do. why must this always happen??..why??.. why can't i change myself??.. i tried so hard....and all i did was to hurt people all the time. people who meant alot to me.

i m so useless..i felt useless. i can do nothing but watch myself hurt people who are important to me.

...and the thing that frustrated me the most is i didn't felt anything right now. not hurt..not guilty..not upset..not anything. i wonder if i m cold blooded. maybe i m.


...why izzit when i tried too hard..and i'll screw up..and when they hurt me back, i get too guilty of my mistakes in the past that i don't bother to tell them that they did in fact hurt me .. so that they won't be hurt like the way i hurt them?


why do i keep quiet at the wrong times..and laugh at the wrong times?

i m so sick of myself.. i really m. ...


...i tried harder n harder each time and that happens is i hurt them more n more. and what improves??
it got worse cuz last time i wasn't even aware of what's happening until a long time later..but now.. i m aware of it SECONDS after it happen..or during when its happening. but seconds still count. it is too late for me to do anything.


what m i supposed to do?? what else can i do? i can't apologize..nor talk..nor keep quiet.. what m i??
when i smile.. they say i m fake...when i laugh..they said i shouldn't laugh..

i felt so selfish.. i can't even change... i can't even change.

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