haze

i really had no idea that you love me this much.. much more than i deserve.. much more than i love you..this is all new to me..

i still dun wanna settle down yet... still want my freedom.. wanna explore the world first before settling down..

i dun dare to tell u anything anymore.. everytime i tell u.. i had to spend 3 days consoling you..

everytime i needed you, you are not there for me... everytime i dun need you, you force me to need you..


ever since those words.. i knew it would be hard ... hard for him to get used to all these.. n hard for me to try to show him only the positive side of love..how could i.. when all my life.. only the wrong kinda people would help me.. n i yself in turn helping n sacrificing for those people i thought are the right kind. what bout my ex?? been used... exploited ..tested by him... stll hurt when i think of him right now.. can even cry thinking back of my idiocy..

thought i had moved on n found a better one.. but right now.. still getting hurt.. ten fold more even.. n right now.. i m still helping him. teaching him.. in the end hoping i could get his love.. but no.

i can't. he want his freedom..

m i just sent by heaven to help others???
wont someone help me??

won't someone love me????

all this while.. i had the thought that he would never ever leave me.. felt so secure... n nice.. n intimate. n stable... but then everytime ..

n all this while.. i was so happy.. thought that i m really worthwhile.. worthy of sacrificing his freedom.. but its not.. ..so wat bout me giving up MY freedom??


everytime we went over... it s just another special moment to me.. but to him.. he would try his best not to even thinkabout it... how can i tell this to him.. since he want me to be calm even when i m hurt...


learnt alot from his parents.. told me to be patient. loving him needs alot of sacrificing... so much that i find difficulty in keeping myself calm..

everything is as new to him as to me.. i can't think straight.. lust always overcome me.. i can't do anything right.. so difficult.. wondering wats wrong n wats right all the time..

wanted him to be better.. in a selfish way.. i wanted him to change.. so does his parents.. but he can't. n they said that only God can.

n i wonder if i m wrong for thinking like that.. for wanting to change him.. for forcing him... he hates it. he even hates me.

i wonder why is he still here with me.
can't be there for him.. can't do anything for him... can't do the right things.. can't understand him. can't nothing and everything.

so painful.. i wish there'll be a day where i can finally sacrifice everything i have.. all my talents just to make him change for the better... will i love him that much one day??

back to square one.. wat u give is wat u get..


sigh. it hurts.