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Back here since so long huh

Look who's back.

the bipolar and the upset one.

i m hurting in my heart. n hurting down there. i hurt someone dear to me.
now that's alot of hurt

lets start from the beginning.
i fell out of love. then fell in love.
i was strong. kind. gentle. compassionate. with empathy yet detached.
someone took it for granted. n trampled on it.
i wrecked everything in my life that is dear to me.
it was obviously, my stupidity.

i painted a future that was too good to be true. of freedom and happiness.
i took kindness for granted and trampled on someone's heart over n over again.

my dad doesnt have long left
n i lost everything in 1 week.

i have nothing else to lose.

somehow. someone played the role of both the devil and the angel. both saved and destroyed me. should I be thankful? I do not know.

I have always done things with a reward at the end of the journey. right now there is none.
am I angry? no.
am I in pain ? yes.
I m feeling every shade of destroyed when people who are involved dun give 3 fucks bout me.
how pathetic is that.

now i m truly. broken.
soon to be orphan too.

now that's a freedom people dun get often.
will i be able to heal? of course. cuz i m not some chapalang street girl.
i m haze long for christ sake. but sadly, i let people treat me like a chapalang lala chick.

its a whole circle of pain for everyone involved. n i m not the victim. :)
but the assailant. again.

i m truly grateful to my friends. i know no one will read this unless they bothered. so i can just blast all my shit here.
thank you. celine. vinn. johnny. bryan. carrot. kevin. ciki. ky. gareth. kim. jaclyn.

there is no way for me to express my excuses or reasons for being so selfish to one n yet so selfless to another. nor so cruel to one n yet so kind to the other.
in the end, i was betrayed by the weakness and fragility in others.
i was never the one who was confused. i had a clear crisp resolution of what i wanted.
yet everyone around me seems to be in a fog.
n obviously i m in denial. i too was in a fog. now the fog is cleared, the truth is out, the worst is over.
here comes happiness for all of us.

i pity those who are involved that doesn't have friends to support them. i guess i have it easier for this part of the incident.

but i learnt. to never ever ruin. never. ruin. my life. ever again. by being caught up in the moment n blinded by my own delusions.

i guess the feeling that i can accurately pinpoint is hellbreak.
maybe that will come true. if it does, happiness is still in store for at least some people.
if it doesn't. then fuck. my. life.

at least. I am healing. from chaos, selfishness.
i no longer need to play the role of a bad girlfriend. of a bad friend.
i no longer need to keep secrets.
every damn thing is out in the open.

n i know, i m becoming a better person.
here comes better life.

1 comment:

靖雯 said...

i do read ur blog =)
i give u all my supports,
whenever u need it