eruption


"I have a right to my anger, and I don't want anybody telling me I shouldn't be, that it's not nice to be, and that something's wrong with me because I get angry."
Maxine Waters


finallly i erupted.

i dunno what to say for my action. if u guys think that i m cruel for taking out my frustration on him. then scold me.


another time.. yet again my dad asked me for help.. but when i tried to help, he brushed me off with a swatter when i was halfway thru.

i lost myself. i totally lost control. i said "fine, everytime u asked me for help u are always like this. i m so tired of it"

n i went down to the base ment.


was venting my anger on a bowl of cornflakes kokocrunch.

when i went back up. he was all nice.. gave me an apple.. an all..

n now he didn't even ask me for the internet line.


too late!!


y must i always tolerate all these nonsense.. n when i made noise, i m considered as 'talking back'.. n 'unfilial' n ' angst'


wat gave them the right to blow their temper on me in the first place???
blowing temper doesn't nessecarily meant shouting n cursing, giving black face, glaring, pretentious attitude, ignoring others, crying in front of others n mistreating others is also forms of blowing temper.


y must i tolerate all? if they blow their horns can't i do the same? i have every same right with them.

just now he was using my laptop.. my msn msg was open.. ARES was open.. AI opened.. when i came back up.. it was all closed. yea.he read my private stuffs.. probably even pitied me for my recent pitfalls.

u know wat? i dun need any pity.

cuz in my life.. in my relationship with my family or with my bf. they are the ones making the deals. the decisions. with just one single word.. they can cut me off..n expects me to accept it in watever way of mine.

even him. just ignore me n expects me to adapt to all the changes.

yea. i know. writing this. those guys contacts in my list right now. those conversations.. games. will make him mad. but tell me, isn't that wat he wants? for me to move on n find someone better?

if i held on..n continue pestering him.. wat good will it bring ?.. he won't msg me back or contact me. he might feel good cuz i m still having the hots for him.


wat bout me? wat m i really supposed to do? wat is the right thing to do?
can i be upset too n ignore someone for a change? can't i tell somoene off too just because i dun like the way they are, or the changes that happened to them?


can't i? y do i always have to be the one who adapts to the changes they made to my life? y must i adapt to being alone now? y must i adapt.

GUILT


sigh. in a days time.. it would be my dad's bday. n in 16 days time its my sis bday. n in 11 dyas time its my mom bday.

n i have no money to get them anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


well.. its not such a big problem.. but my dad expects me to get him something form sg.. cuz i did not get him any souvenirs.. not that i dun wanna get him anything..just that i dunno wat he likes.


god. n if i dun give him anything of high value, he would ask for the 450 sg bucks .. its complicated.


wat m i to get him???????????????????


i m so upset... everythings such a jumble right now.

n seriously, i dun wanna get anything for him.. he doesn't deserve it.
cruel..m i?.. well. he shouldn't have told me not to hold my sis hand. n he shouldn't always be such a egomaniac n tell me how to play a game. when it is I who taught him how to play in the first place.

christ.


sometimes he can be such a pain..

that day. he was telling me bout his mistress getting married. n he told me that once, she asked him to start a family with her. [meaning she wants him to plant a seed in her, get her preggos n a child in her oven]

when he said that.. my mind started racing. if she could ask something like that, he must have made her expect that he would divorce my stepmom n marry her instead.

i hate him.
i really do.

how can a guy give all the hopes n promises n unsaid promises to a single clean n pure lady n then tarnish n dirty her.. when he didn't expect himself to make any sacrifices for her at all.
n this innocent lady would expects n hopes more of him.. n even stop herself from marrying. n tolerate the nominality of 'mistress', 'third party'. tolerate the pain of not belonging n not possessing.

sometimes girls can be so stupid n softhearted.
n guys are such ass holes. even my father.

right now i lost all confidence in every single guy in the world. look at my dad?


maybe i should be a lesbian too.

-----------------------

back to happier stuffs..i got my first paycheck!!!!!!! woohoo!... eventhough only 50 bucks.. hehe...

50 bucks for 2 pages of artwork..hmm..

well... i can't have him back.. but at least i m giving him wat he wants.. study hard n work hard.


maybe he'll even come back?..

i m getting too optimistic.............


listening to.. plus one's here in my heart... thanks to jj who intro this song. its a MUSTs download.. makes me feel safe n warm once more... the happy n good memories.


feeling uncertain.

the struggle to get back on my feet

surprisingly.. i did not bellow or cry or wallow or watever this time.. no sleepless nights.. basically i knew wat i had to do this time.

get myself busy so that i would not think.

though it worked most of the time.. but the nights n the memories can be tough.. to handle.


i m so sick of myself being a sissy n all.. i solemnly swear that this will be the last time i write bout my love life.. unless of cuz... something comes up.


its like.. now my life moved on..well.. i got back all my contacts...icq n all.. but my heart stayed on.. n no matter how much i indulge in all this daily activities.. there's still a small corner in me that's making me stay the way he want me to be...

um..for example.. haven't clear my desk.. thats full of his stuffs.. his smses still in my hp.. old emails still in laptop..


n even now i try not to use vulgarities... cuz he doesn't want me too.

not that i still cares bout his demands..just that.. i m used to be like this.. used to obeying him.
n still now i dun send my pics to guys.. huh..


but i hope i can finally let all these go.


i m surprised... though.. its just been a few days since i come back n though nothing happened.. n when i say nothing.. it really means nothing. no news.. no sms..no email.no nothing.. no suicidal notes.. no break ups no nothing..

n i m acting as if he left.


... i dunno y i m like this either.. maybe cuz.. i know..that this time he won't be back.


funny... really funny..though i let no one else know bout this except for ca po, i told her that when i get back to malaysia i will not contact him anymore.. depending on how he treated me during my sg trip..

n of cos.. u can tell that i decided to contact him.. but in return, he is the one who's not going to contact me anymore.

girls are softhearted.. i won't deny that if he suddenly pops back in my life, i would jump at him eagerly n willingly... maybe its considered cheap?...i dunno..


but i hope my head wins over my heart this time.

n i sure wanna understand all the reasons that led to this.




well.. back to fresher n newer stuffs.. explained everything to laurent just now.. felt as if a boulder have been lifted from my shoulder.. catch up with him a little.. happy for him.. got a new gf now.. lifes going up..

hope mine's the same.

things changed..alot these 2 years.. for everyone of us... lie yuen.. well.. u know.
cheng yee.. of cos..
me... yea.. changed...
him.. he changed together with me.. we walked together for quite some time... now.

everyone.

changed.

moving on.

me..left behind.




Wherever u r tonight, I'll see u in my dreams
Wherever I go tomorrow, u be here next to me

n though we r a world apart I know u'll never b that far

cuz here in my heart there's a picture of us together, forever
unfaded and unbroken

Wherever you are your love covers me
Forever more you'll be here in my heart

Whenever I miss you so much it's more than I can bear
I won't cry, I'll just close my eyes and know you'll be there

Your kiss and your touch I'll never forget
'Cause you're as close as my very next breath

My heart



...
feels so much warmer after listening to this songs.. memories that kept me warm

My world Of Vulgarities

i m so fuckin fed up with everything in my life...

imagine.. suddenly ur Perfect life are tumbled down by a nagging father.. today i was holding my sis hand to cross the road.. n wat happened? my dad shouted at me in front of everyone to not hold her hand.

n everytime he asked me a question.. well.. first thing is i answer n try to help.. n then he would suddenly fucking tell me i m wrong n that i m stupid.. n he would put on his god forsaken face to make me upset.


y the fucking ask when u dun wanna know.

n when he asked for directions.. i phoned chin kuan to as bout it.. n when she gave me directions.. he told me to go the other way n that she is wrong. yea.. he is always right.

guys is always right n girls are always stupid. n when girls try to prove otherwise, guys say that we are unfeminine n like to talk back.

fuck them all.


my temper is blowing so ofen that i have a hard time keeping it down..

my father is kind enough to remind me of how disorganize i m bout the mmu intake things.. kept going over n over again bout how i plan everything but did nothing... again n again.

yea. i know. AS a daughter, AS a girl i can't talk back.

but i can't take it anymore..

i in turn reminded him how he was the same too... planned n write n emailed him bout wat to do.. but now? he did nothing too.

n he kept quiet n subtly change the topic... how endearing... huh.



n i was stupid enough.. stupid enough to remember its his bday in april.. stepmoms' bday in april.. sis bday too.


n also stupid enough to tell my dad that i still ahve the SG dollars 450 bucks. which i actualy put in his wallet when i m in sg.

its rm 1000 here.. how the hell m i going to get 1000 bucks in a few days time...!!!

he wants them back..how???


wanna ask from cheng yee.. but she's broke?.. i dunno.. probably give her interest or something.


me n my big mouth..



though was happy to see them today ... but my mind isn't that calm... troubled by my own guilt n conscience .. of wat i posted in this very blog yesterday.

why must all the people in this world be like this..

is it me.or them?




listening to Once IN a Blue MOon..by taro Iwashiro..right now.. felt as if every chord is pulling my heart in its music n rhythm.. imagine.. a violin stick grazing its way thru ur heart... up n down.. not stopping even when it bleeds.. producing the worst music u can't even bear to listen.. then tell me, is it not better to just die .. than to feel this pain every single damn day

AMAZED

something amazing.. my dad played a game with one of my friends in msn.. n they were like playing til midnight.. minesweepers... n my dad even end up chatting my friend up..

huzzah dad...


MY HOROSCOPE

Today's celestial atmosphere may seem to temporarily alienate you and your dearest friend, but it also gives you both the chance to find out that the love that is developing between you goes far deeper than any surface difficulties. Through one loving and caring conversation, you discover that what seemed to be a major problem was really no problem at all. Your relationship blossoms anew, and all is well.

''''''

it is normally usually often always accurate... but this time..?..


HIS HOROSCOPE

A conversation that you hold with someone special may well be classed as "heavy" in your book, but that doesn't mean that it won't be effective. The current celestial atmosphere gives you the chance to focus on an issue that has been bugging you both for a while, and really has needed to be discussed. Don't think about it, just do it and bring the light back into your lives!

.,,,,

ok..this is freaking me out....




.. i do want him back...despite all that happens... n my friends is being supportive no matter what i decide... they expect us to be longer lasting..

.. n...i dunno. but let's see. ok?


we'll see bout that horoscope... i'll update bout it's accuracy tomoro.


ugh.. i found out. the horoscope is sitll for yesterday.. haven't update yet.. so.. accuracy = 0.

i m never reading it again...

HELPLESSNESS

thats wat i feel after wat happened today... hmm today..

today.. i was supposed to spend the day with either mun hong..., hock chuan or chin kuan n cheng yee.. but it turns out i went out with neither one of them

i went out with my dad instead... to take care of my mmu stuffs. went for the medical check up.. and the stupid doctor touched me all over.. he pressed n pushed.. n touched. oh it felt horrible... yep. confirmed liao.. positive results.


then went back to my school.. for some certification of my certs copies... n guess who i saw? weng hong n wei ren.. of cos.. they pretended not to see me.. but when i was out of sight.. i think they told jia jun i m there.. n the next thing i know.. he's at the office outside talking to me.. bla bla.. asked a few formalities.. how r u.. go which university.. n he subtly hinted to me...'my cousins' here u know..'
yea.. of cos i know.. of cos i know. i saw them.

wei ren was the guy i paired up with in wilson's party..


anyway.. back to more personal stuffs..

my instinct tells me to wait til his parents go abroad in 3rd april..it also tells me that his dad might be using the hp line.. n that he is busy spending time with his parents .. so busy that he is tired when he got back home everynight.. too busy to even contact me.

yea.. in my heart.. i m making all sorts of excuses for him.. trying to tell myself that he still loves me..


everyone who knows me know that if they treat me good... i treat them good.. but if they treat me bad..i treat them bad..unless if they are my close ones... my dear friends or him..
but i think this gotta change.. gotta protect myself more... protect myself from being a fool.. being hurt.. n protect myself from him.


i know he have a reason for this.. his own reasons. his own decisions. did he ever care bout me. i really love him
perhaps he's afraid when i go mmu?... .. yea.. afraid i would leave him for another guy...n yet now he is leaving me.
perhaps he felt he isn't good enough?.. pls la... we all know down inside i m the one not good enough.
perhaps he doesn't wanna get into trouble with his parents?... ...then.. m i not more important?
perhaps..perhaps what?.. i felt like going insane... i m crazy i know..n i scares him.
perhaps he hate me for the way i m..?.. yea.. but i wonder why i never hate him..
perhaps i mistreated him in sg??..... apart from reluctance n shyness,..wat did i do wrong?'

i m running out of excuses..
he promised he would not ignore me.. promised he would not leave me.



maybe.. .. now i know why.
..maybe the reason being he did not wanna have sex with me...cuz he felt i m not the one for him.

is this it?.. .. yea.. maybe it is..

then i think.. i really think.. think that i m not good enough for him.






amazing how many conclusions i can jump to.
..sigh.


they say girls are softhearted.. much more than guys..

well..i remember telling him..." i m much tougher than u think."

I WILL SURVIVE.

The Cliff of Love

you said that i m like a child, making u guess my hints all the time.
i think that u r the child, needing me to say out every word to make u understand.
things are happening so fast, suddenly i lost, n waiting for u.
a barrier between us now, loses all expectations.. how can our love be natural??
we can't communicate everytime n u leave too soon, giving the excuse that u mustn't love.

i have fell..fell off the cliff of love..
fallen too deeply, can't seem to climb back out...
fallen too fast, too late to change my course for the future..
your love lingers again on me, distracting me from my breathing..
how can i run away?
i can't control myself..

i have fell off the cliff of love..
i remember how cute u are.. i m still waiting for u like a fool.. thinking u would still come back..
your face fades away.. time will bury my eyes n shade my vision... u r disappearing too fast. i can't bear it.