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my bipolar personality has taken yet another morbid twist. Yesterday I was all beaming and happy.. flying like a wing fairy.. now I am emo like a black crow that got stuck with an even uglier witch.

my birthday is coming in 1 and a half hours time.. shit don't feel special no more.. til to the extent that i wish that no one would know or remember my birthday.

I am the kinda person that drives out for errands alone and then bang my car while reversing ( not for parking but on a driving lane). I would also smoke in front of my sis n bro.. i don't remember anyone's birthday except for my parents and my boyfriend. if i were to fly to tokyo tomorrow, I wouldn't have a farewell dinner or party or glamour clubbing.

the funny thing is.. I thought i was good. i thought i was the nicest. the kindest. the most glam.
but the older i get.. the more I began to accept that well.. I am a boring kinda person.

maybe it's just today.

but for all these years.. during my birthdays.. I would smile and say thank you to all the presents and wishes.. but inside.. i dun even remember who wish me and what the hell did i get for my birthday. it was just never a special day for me.

hence i hate the trend of buying other people dinner when it is your birthday.
i even remember the last few years i was in uni, i would post a list of stuff i want on my birthday.. so that well.. friends wouldn't have to guess up right left down for a present that i want.

now that i m not staying around my friends no more.. there is no more need to do that... and i thought... well.. i can have some peace and quiet and sleep through my birthday. i even posted blushberry posts all on saturday so that i can sleep through my birthday in oblivion.

i hate how my life had became.

i used to covet for fine dining.. cuz i rarely go to them.. now i dun even bother to treat my fine dinings the way i should treat expensive food. i dun even finish my food.

they are not special anymore..

even presents.. books.. makeup.. accesories.. clothes.. i have had my share of presents.. they dun impact me anymore..

surprises.. kisses.. hugs.. romanticsm.. i had them all.. if i were to have them again. same person or not. its the same. which is why all i asked for is.. nothing.

parties... clubs.. i love being in the limelight.. I THOUGHT.
the fact is i hate it. i m awkward.. i dunno how to act.. how to draw proper attention to myself without looking like a fool..

the funny thing is.. sometimes.. through out all these years.. eventhough i felt like that.. some friends still make effort.. ALOT of effort to make me happy.. n i tried.. in order to please them n hopefully the happiness will be induced and I will be happy as well..

the fact is.. i can let go of anything.. anyone.. without feeling anything. sure i love my mac.. if i spoil it today i wouldn't cry. no.
even when my sugar gliders died..i din feel anything.
if i were to leave for another country.. i would just pack my bag and go. without a word.

nothing seems to mean anything to me.. nowadays.

i wish that i m more like vinn.. upbeat.. optimistic.. able to lift everybody's spirits up just by being around them.. going to a party and be the star for that night..

but i m not.. i do not know how to host a party with a smile.. maybe i do not know how today.
if i were to go to a night party.. i most probably will drink the night away on a stool... wishing.. there is someone out there as lonely as i am.. who share my woes.

this is exactly why. people like me cannot be happy.

now i feel the need to write a long disclaimer...
i m not ranting cuz nothing is gonna happen tomorro.. regardless of what today is.. or tomorow is.. or the next day.. i m just me.. i m not hinting for a big birthday bash or presents...

its been a long time since i walked into a shopping center and see produts that I can buy.. instead of products that i can buy to resell..

its been a long time since i tried making myself happy.. all i think is i must help him him her her .. do this that ..

which leads me to my 2009 resolutions.. which is impossible to think of.. unless i had my future planned with someone special in my mind..
but here goes.

1. be more healthy : have better skin, more hair, more sleep, n remove the growth next to my lips)
2. earn enough money to purchase a house/condo at the end of the year.
3. find my tsuruga ren
4. learn fashion design and do a mini collection
5. fix up all the tangles


Johnson said...

Well if it mas you feel better, I do really appreciate your help, and I dunno how to thank you enough. Well we all seem to have our own spiral to go down on. I just hope you don't end up like me, being very alone, till someone that is like you acknowledges you comes along the way and wants to help you but you push them away because you somehow gotten comfortable with being alone or you have accepted your fate where you are an island in this world. I've posted up something like this, guess what, no one gave a shit, and I don't care. You still got friends very much better than me. So don't beat yourself up, I think you're gonna kick some ass.

Li Wen said...

I guess that's what people call 'attitude', hehe honestly I've always looked up to you, you're beautiful, confident, tough and independent girl, and your FA works are so good..sometimes I wish I can be half like you, hehe, so as your friend says, I'm sure you're the kick-ass kind of super girl! :D

Sorry if I've said anything wrong because I may not have know you personally, but as a blushberry reader and your junior in FA (:p), these are the feelings that I felt about you. :)