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beginning of the end

thank you.. this is the first time in my life i heard 2 girls debating about my happiness while i m moping away on top of the toilet bowl trying to poop.
and thank you for the blanket.. sorry for intruding last night.. (btw, you don't have to look at me everytime i sniff.. its not a prelude to a torrent of tears .. your house is just plain dusty alright)

i had a vision.. being foolishly happy.. with a bashful grin..
i m sure.. that future exists..
it made me smile.. a little.

i m not proud of being a bad girlfriend. i m a fucking jew for christ sake and failing at this is the worst that could possibly happen to me. but it did happened.
to cling on when all the cards i dealt out will only turn into knives. that's a tad selfish.
who am i. i m just a starved plastic mannequin drowning in smokes.
and you. you are up there you know. just. there. a furious angel.

you are tired. i m tired too.
i m tired of all my friends always thinking bout you and your wholesome goodness.
i m tired of thinking of your wholesome goodness.
cuz i can't fucking par up to your bread. fuck i m still trying to scrape off the fungus on me and you are already blinding me with your whole.some.good.ness.
everybody is saying.. he's so good. he is so good. he is so good. can't get anywhere else. last species.
fuck. YOU try to be his girlfriend. see if you can still get the air to your lungs.

oh right. maybe you can.

to say i love myself would be a lie.
to say i hate myself would be an understatement.
but its an irony..how can one loathe herself and still want to be loved by others eh.

i m a coward. i don't play by the rules. when people struggle n suffer.. i blinded myself with a substitution of role playing mechanism.
it is time. i play by the rules.

mr. pain has been waiting. waiting to pounce. on the victim who escaped so many times.
i will brave it out.

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