woes

my bipolar personality has taken yet another morbid twist. Yesterday I was all beaming and happy.. flying like a wing fairy.. now I am emo like a black crow that got stuck with an even uglier witch.

my birthday is coming in 1 and a half hours time.. shit don't feel special no more.. til to the extent that i wish that no one would know or remember my birthday.

I am the kinda person that drives out for errands alone and then bang my car while reversing ( not for parking but on a driving lane). I would also smoke in front of my sis n bro.. i don't remember anyone's birthday except for my parents and my boyfriend. if i were to fly to tokyo tomorrow, I wouldn't have a farewell dinner or party or glamour clubbing.

the funny thing is.. I thought i was good. i thought i was the nicest. the kindest. the most glam.
but the older i get.. the more I began to accept that well.. I am a boring kinda person.

maybe it's just today.

but for all these years.. during my birthdays.. I would smile and say thank you to all the presents and wishes.. but inside.. i dun even remember who wish me and what the hell did i get for my birthday. it was just never a special day for me.

hence i hate the trend of buying other people dinner when it is your birthday.
i even remember the last few years i was in uni, i would post a list of stuff i want on my birthday.. so that well.. friends wouldn't have to guess up right left down for a present that i want.

now that i m not staying around my friends no more.. there is no more need to do that... and i thought... well.. i can have some peace and quiet and sleep through my birthday. i even posted blushberry posts all on saturday so that i can sleep through my birthday in oblivion.

i hate how my life had became.

i used to covet for fine dining.. cuz i rarely go to them.. now i dun even bother to treat my fine dinings the way i should treat expensive food. i dun even finish my food.

they are not special anymore..

even presents.. books.. makeup.. accesories.. clothes.. i have had my share of presents.. they dun impact me anymore..

surprises.. kisses.. hugs.. romanticsm.. i had them all.. if i were to have them again. same person or not. its the same. which is why all i asked for is.. nothing.

parties... clubs.. i love being in the limelight.. I THOUGHT.
the fact is i hate it. i m awkward.. i dunno how to act.. how to draw proper attention to myself without looking like a fool..

the funny thing is.. sometimes.. through out all these years.. eventhough i felt like that.. some friends still make effort.. ALOT of effort to make me happy.. n i tried.. in order to please them n hopefully the happiness will be induced and I will be happy as well..

the fact is.. i can let go of anything.. anyone.. without feeling anything. sure i love my mac.. if i spoil it today i wouldn't cry. no.
even when my sugar gliders died..i din feel anything.
if i were to leave for another country.. i would just pack my bag and go. without a word.

nothing seems to mean anything to me.. nowadays.

i wish that i m more like vinn.. upbeat.. optimistic.. able to lift everybody's spirits up just by being around them.. going to a party and be the star for that night..

but i m not.. i do not know how to host a party with a smile.. maybe i do not know how today.
if i were to go to a night party.. i most probably will drink the night away on a stool... wishing.. there is someone out there as lonely as i am.. who share my woes.

this is exactly why. people like me cannot be happy.


now i feel the need to write a long disclaimer...
i m not ranting cuz nothing is gonna happen tomorro.. regardless of what today is.. or tomorow is.. or the next day.. i m just me.. i m not hinting for a big birthday bash or presents...

its been a long time since i walked into a shopping center and see produts that I can buy.. instead of products that i can buy to resell..

its been a long time since i tried making myself happy.. all i think is i must help him him her her .. do this that ..



which leads me to my 2009 resolutions.. which is impossible to think of.. unless i had my future planned with someone special in my mind..
but here goes.

1. be more healthy : have better skin, more hair, more sleep, n remove the growth next to my lips)
2. earn enough money to purchase a house/condo at the end of the year.
3. find my tsuruga ren
4. learn fashion design and do a mini collection
5. fix up all the tangles

Kakiis : A Moment with your Kakiis

Join the Kakiis!!!
Its a cool website where you can connect with all your friends!
They are holding a contest.
can get to win a freaking Mac Book Air
Thats the video contest!

I am just hoping that they will see how much fun we had when we shot this in Putrajaya.
So I am opting for the Photography Contest!
I couldn't possibly do it at BlushBerry so I am doing it here.
*grins*

You can find out more here!
Oh by the way, if you do win the Mac Book Air thru this recommendation.. then it's mine.
I am such a good friend.
:D


Friends Who Share Your Ups & Downs With You
taken with a Nikon DSLR at Putrajaya Bridge overlooking the Putrajaya Lake.
set with a timer. both for the camera and the action.
Many many takes and silly outtakes as well.
Our Post Graduation Photo.

Days of Great Memories..

Since I did not get to write a graduation post like yall.. ahem..
Here goes :
THANK YOU ALL...
for being in my very happy university life.
for showing me what it means to have a friend.
to be loved and love.

and for introducing all your eccentricity in my life
letting me spread mine around too.

We are all on different paths now
though we did not begin at the same point
we may not end at the same point either
our paths did cross
and literally drew an X on me.

I haven't forgotten.
what it was like
to have friends like yall.

Much Love
Peace Out.

RANDOM SMELLY NOSESHIT

i did the after.
glenn feron did the pro one.
who is better

i dunno.
makes me hate looking in the mirror
oops i copied ringo's phrase.
kill me.

on the other hand
people around me is so emo.
i dig my nose also piss them off
laugh also wrong
smile also wrong

god. so hard to live.. might as well i go die
keep quiet wrong
play wrong

funny thing is.. why do wat i do affects them so much i also dunno why.
i must be a planet.
no. since i have 2 big n droopy ones maybe i m a milky way.

i shall call the clusters of goo that i m "black milk"
ew.

Cheesie's new header

BlushBerry is in Cheeserland.com!

I designed the header for Cheesie.. but omg!!! IT WASN'T GREEN ENOUGH FOR HER!!!!!
I swear I breathe easier when I m in her blog.. cuz I am photosynthesis-ing.

The original header.

And below is all the other nonsense I cooked up in Photoshop.
Have a look see :

The background is shot using Heineken's bottle using SLR at a very very slow shutter speed.
Just wave the bottle around for the effect.
Dark room required.

When I showed this to Ringo, she was like " Selamat Hari Raya"
So I had to dump all the yellow away.

To this. green. no yellow. pls. ONLY GREEN.
PHOTOSYNTHESIS is the IN thing now.

She have green eyes!!!!!!

cheeserland.com cheesie ringo header heineken

weeee

i edited ringo aka cheesie's photo.. but i din keep the ori. wtf.. we took this outside M's shop that day after the workshop. got fucking blisters on my toe.

she even used it for her msn display pic...

i also designed her december header.. but dunno whether she will use onot. i m too dazed to ask.. damn sleepy wei. din sleep whole night.
i can't post the header yet.. if she uses them then i post la all of them.
see la how. i free onot.

happy.. weeeeee.. all my miao miaos.
oh. n sim's i-can-finish-wan hamburger leftover. still stuck on the fork.

Ponder

i learned to be selfless
i learned to have thick skin
i learned to be the bad person
i learned alot

what have i gained...

thing is malaysia is such a small country.. everybody knows everyone..
n each community is very close knit
gossips is always here n there

even among famous bloggers..
i hope i dun get sucked in

A Beautiful Mess

I've got the best of both worlds..
I'm the kind of girl who can take down a man.. and lift him back up again..
I am strong but I'm needy.. humble but I'm greedy
and based on my body language and shotty cursive you've been reading..

My style is quite selective.. though my mind is rather reckless
well maybe it just suggests that this is just what happiness is..

and what a beautiful mess this is..
its like we're picking up trash in dresses..

I know it kind of hurts when the kind of words I write kind of turn themselves into knives
Don't mind my nerve.. you could call it fiction.. do you like being submerged in my contradictions..dear..

cause here we are.. here we are...

although I am biased... will you love my advice..
My comebacks..they are quick.. and probably have to do with my insecurities..
There's no shame in being crazy.. depending on how how you take these words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we are staging

and what a beautiful mess this is..
its like we're picking up trash in dresses

I know it kind of hurts when the kind of words I say kind of turn themselves into blades
And kind and courteous is a life you've heard.. but its nice to say that we played in the dirt.. dear

cause here we are.. here we are.
We're still here

And what a beautiful mess this is..it's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes
and through timeless words and priceless pictures..

we'll fly like birds not of this earth..
and times they run.. and hearts disfigure..
but that's no concern when we are wounded together..
and we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
but it's nice today.. oh dear was the wait worth it?