Prelude or Ending?

Right now I am semi-awakened albeit a half-boiled egg.

It's ridiculous and mystifying how someone can forgive another for a cruel mistake, still love that person but hate at the same time and somehow want to do her after.

Yet, it is a jealous kind of love. a selfish kind of love. suffocating and drowning the other person.

Isn't it dangerous to feel that deep without any barrier of defense for protection.

Isn't it only natural that I will protect this person.

Then there is someone else who is utterly cold and devoid of compassion, driven by fear. Similar to a frightened puppy who barks and bites anyone who comes close. Thats the impression he creates, not the impression I judged.

Isn't it dangerous to be so detached from the world?

Isn't it only natural that I will want to show him the wonders.

I admit I have a dangerous craving for a challenge, the more difficult the better. Makes me a magnet to trouble and chaos. What is it that I cannot fix anyway.. pftt.

Turns out that playing god (accidentally this time) took a turn for the worst.

By protecting, I am oversheltering and like a weak pet, how can it survive when the master is gone?

In the end, everytime I leave, he is depressed. when I show a miligram of kindness, he takes it as a proposal for happily ever after. And due to overprotection, the threshold of pain he can take goes down.

By sharing wonders, I am enticing myself to the wonders and I got caught up in something that got threaded from the illusions.

In the end, temporary attraction occurs and the difference between reality and dreams become a thin red line of pain. I now realized why I could never hate anyone, hate comes from pain. When pain is inflicted on me, I just give up entirely and move on cold and blind. Bye, that's it.

It's a wonder how I screwed up so much over the course of 24 years.

How I have hurt others and hurt myself in the end. To define myself as bad would be an understatement if I attempt to define. Cruel and apocalyptic would be more appropriate.

Of course, one would not learn if one did not fall. I felt like this time, I have completed my final lesson and degree.

.. Just that I felt that I got cheated out of more money than what I could afford in the first place, so to speak.

I used to be naive and ask alot, expect stars and galaxy, hurt when I lose.

I guess it's time for the real thing. I am ready to say no until the mysterious person appears.

I been stupid. Its just a transaction. People ask can u love me just like how they ask can I buy eggs from you?

If I can't, just say no. There's no eggs, say no.

but then again what happens if u try to give eggs when u dun have any? after 5 tries, it gets difficult to no isn't it?

It's kinda quiet and lonely at night isn't it?

Thoughts

i been drunk almost everynight now.

i am stopping.

waking up.

i talked alot with people involved.

guess april's fool came early.

tomorrow. one last thing to do. before i wake up.

when i wake up i will know what i want.

will it be a good ending or a bad one this time?

let's find out.

Back here since so long huh

Look who's back.

the bipolar and the upset one.

i m hurting in my heart. n hurting down there. i hurt someone dear to me.

now that's alot of hurt

lets start from the beginning.

i fell out of love. then fell in love.

i was strong. kind. gentle. compassionate. with empathy yet detached.

someone took it for granted. n trampled on it.

i wrecked everything in my life that is dear to me.

it was obviously, my stupidity.

i painted a future that was too good to be true. of freedom and happiness.

i took kindness for granted and trampled on someone's heart over n over again.

my dad doesnt have long left

n i lost everything in 1 week.

i have nothing else to lose.

somehow. someone played the role of both the devil and the angel. both saved and destroyed me. should I be thankful? I do not know.

I have always done things with a reward at the end of the journey. right now there is none.

am I angry? no.

am I in pain ? yes.

I m feeling every shade of destroyed when people who are involved dun give 3 fucks bout me.

how pathetic is that.

now i m truly. broken.

soon to be orphan too.

now that's a freedom people dun get often.

will i be able to heal? of course. cuz i m not some chapalang street girl.

i m haze long for christ sake. but sadly, i let people treat me like a chapalang lala chick.

its a whole circle of pain for everyone involved. n i m not the victim. :)

but the assailant. again.

i m truly grateful to my friends. i know no one will read this unless they bothered. so i can just blast all my shit here.

thank you. celine. vinn. johnny. bryan. carrot. kevin. ciki. ky. gareth. kim. jaclyn.

there is no way for me to express my excuses or reasons for being so selfish to one n yet so selfless to another. nor so cruel to one n yet so kind to the other.

in the end, i was betrayed by the weakness and fragility in others.

i was never the one who was confused. i had a clear crisp resolution of what i wanted.

yet everyone around me seems to be in a fog.

n obviously i m in denial. i too was in a fog. now the fog is cleared, the truth is out, the worst is over.

here comes happiness for all of us.

i pity those who are involved that doesn't have friends to support them. i guess i have it easier for this part of the incident.

but i learnt. to never ever ruin. never. ruin. my life. ever again. by being caught up in the moment n blinded by my own delusions.

i guess the feeling that i can accurately pinpoint is hellbreak.

maybe that will come true. if it does, happiness is still in store for at least some people.

if it doesn't. then fuck. my. life.

at least. I am healing. from chaos, selfishness.

i no longer need to play the role of a bad girlfriend. of a bad friend.

i no longer need to keep secrets.

every damn thing is out in the open.

n i know, i m becoming a better person.

here comes better life.

The Last Post

Take my hand.. lead me through the fire.

You will be my long awaited answer to a long and painful fight.

Truth be told I tried my best, but somewhere along the way I got caught up in all there was to offer and the cost was so much more than I could bear.

We all begin with good intent when love was raw and young.

We believe that we can change ourselves, the past can be undone but we carry on our back our burden.

A burden time always reveals.

In the lonely and quiet night and the wound that will never heal

Its the bitter taste of losing everything. everyone.

that i've held so dear.

I have nowhere left to turn but you.

I'm lost to those I thought were friends to everyone I knew.

They turn their heads away, pretend they don't see me.

It's one missed step one slip before I know it and there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed.

Though I tried to be strong I've fallen

I have sunk so low

I messed up

Tried to handle this the best I could to deter it from traumatizing me.

It's all I could do to not drown in their passing shadows.

and when I found myself and you in some far off place.

It causes me to rethink some things, I start to sense that I have became someone else.

Things that have been lost on me are now clear as a bell.

When I go thru life so sure of where I am heading and I wind up lost and its the worse thing that could have happened.

The dreams I built for myself are not dreams I could achieve, I lost my way and I find myself weak and incapable of becoming perfect dreams.

The chilling night freeze my beating heart, enveloping it in despair and loneliness.

I breathe in the beautiful world out my window.

When I reached happiness, a silent part inside me wants to burn the earth up in flames.

Its a bitter confidence of knowing a burn is not as painful as what you have caused me.

Living is so hard to do when all I know is trapped inside your eyes but this aching heart ain't broken yet.

Maybe it's time for miracles.

confusion

i hate this part right here. the only thing that comforts me is assurance.

the only thing chasing me away is uncertainties.

uncertainties makes me feel unsure, unwanted, and like i m being played a fool.

who am i.

sigh...

new life

its been a long journey since i started blushberry.

i found friends. lost friends. got hurt. hurt others.

i learnt the hard way.. things I couldnt handle.. people i tried to handle.

i have grown.

after one full circle, i met new friends again... broke up. reconcile with old friends. n recovered.

(ok. in about 1 week's time. this blog is gonna be private as i will be putting up my version 2 .. n my personal blog will be there. this blog is a tad too personal to be public.)

so either you get to read this or you don't.

i m happy now. i have been compensating for another person's humor, life, happiness and temper.. if i slack for 2 out of 10 times.. i get berated by everyone around me, my family, friends his friends, him and myself as well.

"what about me. how come its always him that is being protected."

i was a coward, not daring to move or leave the comfort zone. i left. m fucking scared but I am moving on.

i am single but not looking.

the reason why I am not looking is just simple : i know exactly who i want.

n the time and tide is not right. until it is... i'll be single.

"thanks.. patience is virtue"

yes i lost my mac book pro. my friends. my relationship. my life basically. but i have gained something invaluable in return..

fml i misspelled something as someone fml. -_-

and i stopped smoking for 1 day already. clean. its amazing how much my skin cleared up.

back to topic.. i have gained a full understanding of my potential and the realization of the life I want.

i want a room full of apple products. imac. mbp. iphone.

i want a car.

after that i wanna travel.

then i want a house.

i realized my perk of getting up and driving late at night is not so weird...n the fact that i can just be silenced by the vastness of the sky and the beauty of the night is not that difficult to project to other people. just depending on who. maybe.

if you see this. thanks for reading so far. its been 6 years since this blog has started. its time to move on. the next time you are here.. u will be redirected to another website.

cheers

what can be done

now that i finally realized.
the person I really am..
i guess if I am written in fiction.. I would both hate and love my character.
perhaps that's the problem. the fact I could still love this kinda character.

I am addicted to people. their faces.
their imperfections. yes this is my first point.
their perfections.
and loved them all.
hence i loved to talk about them.

i do not have secrets. perhaps at young, my all was already bared. to everyone.
and my philosophy is :
'if i have a secret, then it means I am still in pain.'
'a secret is no longer a secret when you tell the first person.'

and sometimes.. people wouldn't announce that something they said is a secret. they expected you to know.
and more than often enough, i do not know what is a secret and what is not.

back to talking bout them. I blatantly and ruthlessly bare all.
the disrespectfulness of this i still couldn't comprehend.
cuz i thought u only reveal the secret hidings to people important to you.
perhaps I never thought that i was.
why. i supposed thats another issue.

i could cry now knowing the pain i caused others.
but i guess i should keep it inside to remind me not to do it again.
whether how i view them... i do not know if i can change.
but i do know that this is the way to stop the damages i befall upon them.

now i see the pointlessness of apologies.
but i guess punishments are in call.
just so i will never do it again