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i don't wanna lose u..but i dun wanna use u just to have somebody by my side.
n i dun wanna hate u..i dun wanna take u..but i dun wanna be the one who cry..
that don't really matter.. to anyone anymore..
but like a fool i keep losing my place.. i keep seeing u walk thru that door
theres a danger in loving somebody too much. n its sad when u know its ur heart u can't trust..
theres a reason why people dun stay where they are..baby sometimes love just aint' enough.
now i could never change u.. i dun wanna blame u. baby u don't have to take the fall..
yes i may have hurt u.. but i did not desert u..maybe i just wanna have it all.
it makes a sound like thunder..it makes me feel like rain..but like a fool who will never see the truth.. i keep thinking something's gonna change..
n theres no way home.. when its late at night n u r all alone.. r there things that u wanted to say?
do u feel me beside u in ur bed?
there beside u..where i used to lay..

#1 ART

ok.. from today onwards. my art's gonna be here. i dun care.
i m too lazy to redesign my art website...
n lately.. i have upgraded my PAINTER 7 to PAINTER 8.. which proves to be a real disaster..
because all the soft hair that i m good for .. is gone. now the hair look like bristles..
so for a fairly bad start heres two of my recent ones.

hermoine from harry potter.. i like this alot.. but i dunno y others don't. a mixture of watercolour n crayon in PAINTER 8.

a slightly distorted jennifer garner .. stupid stiff hair.. can't do anything with this generated brush in teh new PAINTER 8

I've always been thinking of all of you in those 25 days..alone,and I'm wrong,I've known that from the start and i should have known better to let go and live what's ahead of me rather than what's behind my back,shadow,yen,capo,chinkuan,zzen.. all of you meant something to me,something special and too important to forget.. I dont want to sound childish,but i do hope this relationship will last,I dont know what runnin in your minds,but mines is telling me that though we're living our own lives right now,but i'll remember what happened since the bond between us started.. and will try keep it up,not just by talking..but hopefully everyone's willing to make the move..
#3 A Promise Broken..
 i had this appointment with cherry n chin kuan.. just yesterday... but the day before i had to do my DA assignment in cyberia.. n darryl, eton n me got stuck there til 3 am because of the heavy rain...n ended up overnighting at audreys while eton walked back when the rain calmed down a little.. n lets just say that in the morning at 8 am.. i got a really bad hangover due to all the sleepless nights lately...n ended up back in bed too tired.. n to cut a long story short.. i only managed to catch the 3 50 pm bus to town.. while both of them waited for me endlessly in klcc...
ah. awful of me.. n i wonder when can i actually see them again..
n i m left with such an amount of heavy guilt n remorse .. feel so awful.. neglected them so much nowadays...that i feel even worse explaining to myself that its my work that got in the way.. which its not true most of the time.
i'll make it up. i will.
#4 VISIT to my AUNTs
i m supposed to go to my aunts so that i could see my babysitter who babysit me when i was a baby..n at that time..she was 86...imagine now..how old she is..n she's in an old folks home.
i m crudely reminded of how barbaric my real mother's side is in this visit.. my aunt and her friends... tactless really..
ok.  first thing we did.. visit another aunt who fell down the chair n chipped her verterbrate..she ended up paralysed in an hospital..i was told she was mentally unstable the last few days..
since i changed so much the last time everybody saw me.. she could barely recognized me.
n i realized how mentally stable she actually was..........
aunt = can u remember who she is? (refering to me)
paralysed aunt = yeng yeng? no... ah yen lor.. i first saw her..dunno who she is.. but then i saw her big breasts i know its ah yen.
aunt = y r u so thin... ur chin sticks out.. so ugly
paralysed aunt = yea...remember last time we used to call her... big mouth.. stuck out ears..
n when my cousin reminded me of how she was when she is mentally unstable.. she told me wat she said..
paralysed aunt = eh.. wheres the pampers?
aunt = why do u want a pampers? u r already wearing one.
paralysed aunt = no.. i want them for my mother
aunt = but ur mom is dead already
paralysed aunt = dead? ok. then i'll go back to sleep.
paralysed aunt = eh.. u know.. the maid brought me to port dickson today..
aunt = go port dickson for wat?
paralysed aunt = she wanna bring me to a restaurant n eat dolphin. but i was suspicious.. dolphin is so expensive... n i was surprised.. cuz it was cheap there... 16 bucks only.. luckily i brought 20 bucks.. got 4 bucks change can take bus back home...
paralysed aunt = haih.. why ah yen wanna run away....
aunt = run away to where?
paralysed aunt = she ran away with ah chai ( my father) and she even overnight with him...
(what the.. my father's suddenly my husband?????)
n i spent the rest of the time there being critisized.. n my cousin was kind enough to bring a impossibly handsome boyfriend home.. hmm.. that soothes.
#5 Visit to the OLD folks' HOME
today woke up tired.. really tired ... lacking of sleep..n everything else that matters. went to see my babysitter...n it was unsettling.. the previous most recent image i had of her is tall..regal.. old..but healthy and sane... now..she is so thin.. n old.. her hair all white.. n vvv sparse...her bones seemed like a hanger for her skin to hang on loosely, cracked with lines n age.. n dryness...
she's blinded one eye.. i went to talk to her.. expecting some warm greeting in return....
she couldnt' even remember me.
.......i still remember how she washed my mouth when i was a baby..she would wrap her fingers with hankie..n stuff it all the way in my mouth to the very end n i would gagged painfully n soffucatedly...
n i still remember the sweetened anchovies she fried that i love so much...
n now.. she dun even know who the hell m i..
every move of conversation i make.. she ignored..
n my aunt told me she asked about me everytime.

#6 LOVE or LUST? is passion a sin? i m that unworthy?
feel so fucked up.
the truth even though it hurts.. the thing is.. it hurts so badly i rather have the lies instead.
i want a rest.. a long rest from everything..
feel so bad... put everything in the one i love once more... n i know once more that everything is not good enough. will never be good enough. given so much.. i thought my gifts were appreciated..i thought i made someone happy... but all i did is make things worse. 
n even if i made things worse.. at least i thought i m satisfied n happy.. but all i m feeling now is pain. pain from all the things i have done, pain from being me = the plain me, the pain of seeing n hearing n feeling him in pain, the pain of seeing myself hurting him.
felt like a slut too. what was i thinking. can't i even refrain?
well.. at least i know that every bad thought in him are transparent to me... instead of hidden behind a mask. at least he's honest.
i will not cry.

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