random thoughts
i hate it when i m forced to eat.
forCed to shit
.. hate it when i have good results. n teachers dun care u dun care. no one does
hate it when i did somuch shit n n u dun care. dun even give a damn . n forgets it as soon as u sink ur self into games or girls.
hate it when i tell lies to u. just because i felt i should damaGe u teh way u damage me. n then realized no. its not like that. i m shit. n there i m.
hate it when i felt jealous.. cuz i m not supposed to feel that way. or else u won't tell me shit no more.
hate it when u go out late at night carouseling with man twice ur age..cuz i dun feel like doing the same. hate it. why can't i be like u?
hate Why can't i get wat i want. who i want. when u get everything u want.
hate it when u can't see. u just can't. see. but voila. u seem to see so much in others. so much.
hate it when i hate myself. n u hate it too. making me hate me more.
hate it when things u said i have to listen. n things i said r pushed aside.
hate the fact u always usE my fork n spoon n never washes them.
hate me for being me. being so selfish n being so ridiculous. especially now.
hate u for being u . being so angelic n lovable.. til i can't find way to hate u
hate u for sucking things up. making me can't sleep. making me look worse. dragging me down with u.
hate u for always talking. busybody
hate me for thiknking like this bitch that i m. n hate the fact that everybody willhate me for this. hate u for hating me cuz i m bad.
y wont' no one understand. when u ask for nude pics. nude shit. movies. tell me do dirty shit. treat me Dirty. two time me. i still stay with u cuz i dun hate u cuz u r bad. i love u when u r good. when u hit me. punch me. slap me. disgrace me. make me fear u i still will never fight back. verbally or physically.
hate You for misleading me. for telling me stupid shit that make me go down instead of up. for forsaking me at the wrong time n coming back at the time when he needed u most. but will You come back when i needed u most???can't You hear my thoughts?
but will i hate u.. will i hate You.. will i hate you... will i hate you ... no i won't. but i will hate me. n me alone.
n i know u will hate me. cuz i come from this forsaken family. n everything i do seemed to be a result of this forsaken family. i m a broken child. n u will not mend me. u will not. cuz u r the one that break me. u r the one that break me.
y r u so easily affected? influenced by the slightest beauty? by the slightest shake? why r u so easily shaken by me? by the pain n sufferings n the past in me? y r u so easily attracted to things that are perfect? to people that are simpler n happier? is it not I who needed u most?
hate it when u cAll me pretending to care. but actually u care for the one u love. n u expect me to care n do something on ur behalf.
hate it when u call. giving me pressuRe. expecting me to be there. when i cannot. when i hve a family back home that needed me more. hate it when u bring ur bf home. n make me say how handsome he is. hate it when u sitll wanna call other guys n flirt around. without letting him know. y be with him in the first place if u r planning to leave??
n you. hate it when everytime ur fucking daughter or son gets sick u blame me for it. hell u even blame my laptop for it. i hate you for not standing up for me. for bringing me out to sushi king n eating more than 500 per meal n coming back home telling her we ate 15 bucks macdonald.
hate u for buying me so many things. discman. piano. laptop. books. n have to go home n tell her that i paid half for them. hate u for smoking outside the house.because she dun likes it. n letting me face the consequences in the end.
hate u for having the guts to beat me n my sister up.. but no guts for standing up for us in front of her. no guts in telling her how good we are.
hate you for praising me n pretending i m the best when i m not. hate u for saying that driving merc benz to pasar is cool n cun. hate u for saying that one wrong smsm from ur dad might cost him 20 million of business.
hate u for always forcing me. to go places i dun wanna go. hate u for brainwashing me. for making me sing songs i dun mean. hate u for making me accept things i dun even see that its there.
hate me for being so honest all the time. telling u wat i hate. do u not know what i hate.
buT will i know what u hate? do u not feel this guilt u r feeling right noW> or angEr.. n will i feel the same.
yes i will. n i do care. buT still i hate it.
still i hate it.
hate doing work that means so much to me. yet can fail over n over. hate doing work for You...but dun have the talent to do it properly.
hate shit bout university. n the fact that i must look out for others. n let others look out for me. hate shit bout me giving wrong impression during orientation which i must follow up right noW. i m not sweet. nor m i stupid. n polite.
i m rude. loud. tomboyish. i pick my nose n i fart . n i want to hang out with people who are quiet n lead silently. not with people who r popular n dun do work but do other stuffs that makes them unfocused.
hate everything. .. eveRything. but will i cry alone. no i will not. i will not suffer alone again. no .
10/31/04
wanna be a robot
bored.
sick
fEd up
depressed
psycho
ridiculous
lying
crapping
y do i say things that i do not mean. that isn't the truth .
y i alaways make things so difficult
10/29/04
if u come here.. u'll find me.. i promise....
.
i'll always be reaching out to u.. though i always deny this myself...
will always wait for u,...
will u find me? n when u do.. will u lose me or throw me away again?
wats painful is not the fact that u cant feel...but the fact that nothing i do gets acknowledged... r u ashamed of me? or embarrassed? sometimes i see that u r... sometimes it shows... it really shows. wat m i to u.
i m so tired..... i just feel like slipping away quietly... without saying anything....
Matthew 10:32-33 Jesus says, "Therefore whoever confesses Me before men, him I will also confess before My Father who is in heaven. But whoever denies Me before men, him I will also deny before my Father who is in heaven."
if jesus is holy. n he denies u if u denies him. y shouldn't i do the same?
10/28/04
need sleep..........need rest... need food. need You.
finally found the key....... wanted to use it.. but suddenly it din fall apart this time. is it a sign? or another mislead..
love the way u hold me...but when will u stop creaking........ n when will i not die when u fall down on me.
might be the same for me... i might be falling... already have.. but since u stayed when u fall. so i stay when i fell.
n its not so bad.... its not bad at all
sometimes i can't breathe.. sometimes too much air.. like in the water. oxygen will run out.. then where will i be....... where will i be..
i couldn't be bothered looking for others. too much trouble..too much time. never did look for one..dun wan to... too much of a bother. somehow i can settle 'easily' with any that comes my way...................
... i wish u r here... when will u be here.. when........ how could i not mean something.
10/24/04
the world has no meaning at all if it is not us who fill it with meaning
ever heard about the quantum theory?
quantum..= defined as something that doesn't have an outcome.
a cat is placed inside a sophisticated cage. a living cat. then poison is put in. only that... we, humans doesn't have a say where the poison would be. it is the cage that is designed to randomly place the poison.
so the death of the cat is all on the catitself.
n the live of the cat is all up to it too.
death 50.50.
life. 50.50
......................
no out come. but the theory of this experiment is that the world is how we view it to be
n if we don't understand Self, we dont understand world.
U are not half the Self u r when u r with me. but u may be Half the Self u r when u r alone. ..
because ur thoughts u THINK is made out of words. so it is made out of words.
but words, are something that WE humanS created, which is imperfect like us. so how can our thoughts be our Self when it is made out of woRds.
so if u understand ur Self, u will understand the world.
...so ultimately.dun tell me u r like this like this n like that. cuz u dun understand ur Self. n because of that. u WON"T understand the world.
10/23/04
love.
my love.. u r my destiny..for all times..so faithfully.
to u.. i give my heart to thee..so once again.. i live in love
n so i call this song love.. sent from this heart n sky above.
to only u..this song.. i sing...this melody of love.for u.the dove
i m ..an open book for u.. inside these words i leave a clue..
the sun will fade n start again..like our love.theres no end.
y in the world must all of them be so violent!.
just because of phone calls...he wanna KILL someone. just to make me regret for life..
wat the fuck.
he want me to regret for life.
what bout me?? when i want him to regret for life. i kill myself. to fuck him up. telling him that YEA, u screwed up big time trying to raise a kid. u abused her. verbally emotionally n physically. so live in remorse.
now. just because of phone calls. he wanna kill someone to make me regret for life. as if he will do it. yea. u told me u'll be understanding. but r u. when i confide in u. u throw it back at me so hard that i dun dare talk to u anymore.
u ask for my blog's address. wanted to give u. yea. but u'll disown me if i do.
i cannot have feelings. nor can i have a life. i thought ok.. maybe i can satisfy u with my excellence in studies. but no. not a praise from u.
why r u so...u...mm... uncivilized!?? today's 22 august 2004....not 1964!
why do i blame everything on him!.. did i think that i m correct. no.. i m not. but even so can't u forgive me??? i learnt to forgive u.. but u???
10/20/04
A Silent Love
From the very Begining, the girl's family objected strongly on her dating this guy. Saying that it has got to do with family background,& that the girl will have to suffer for the rest of her life if she were to be with him.
Due to family's pressure, the couple quarrel very often. Though the girl love the guy deeply, but she always ask him: "How deep is your love for me?"
As the guy is not good with his words, this often cause the girl to be very upset. With that & the family's pressure, the girl often vent her anger on him. As for him, he only endure it in silence.
After a couple of years, the guy finally graduated & decided to further his studies in overseas. Before leaving, he proposed to the girl: "I'm not very good with words. But all I know is that I love you. If you allow me, I will take care of you for the rest of my life. As for your family, I'll try my best to talk them round. Will you marry me?"
The girl agreed, & with the guy's determination, the family finally gave in & agreed to let them get married. So before he leave, they got engaged.
The girl went out to the working society, whereas the guy was overseas, continuing his studies. They sent their love through emails & phone calls. Though it's hard, but both never thought of giving up.
One day, while the girl was on her way to work, she was knocked down by a car that lost control. When she woke up, she saw her parents beside her bed. She realised that she was badly injured. Seeing her mum crying, she wanted to comfort her. But she realized that all that could come out of her mouth was just a sigh. She has lost her voice......
The doctors says that the impact on her brain has caused her to lose her voice. Listening to her parents' comfort, but with nothing coming out from her, she broke down.
During the stay in hospital, besides silence cry,.....it's still just silence cry that companied her. Upon reaching home, everything seems to be the same. Except for the ringing tone of the phone. Which pierced into her heart everytime it rang. She does not wish to let the guy know. & not wanting to be a burden to him, she wrote a letter to him saying that she does not wish to wait any longer.
With that, she sent the ring back to him. In return, the guy sent millions & millions of reply, and countless of phonecalls,.. all the girl could do, besides crying, is still crying....
The parents decided to move away, hoping that she could eventually forget everything & be happy.
With a new environment, the girl learn sign language & started a new life. Telling herself everyday that she must forget the guy. One day, her friend came & told her that he's back. She asked her friend not to let him know what happened to her. Since then, there wasn't anymore news of him.
A year has passed & her friend came with an envelope, containing an invitation card for the guy's wedding. The girl was shattered. When she open the letter, she saw her name in it instead.
When she was about to ask her friend what's going on, she saw the guy standing in front of her. He used sign language telling her "I've spent a year's time to learn sign language. Just to let you know that I've not forgotten our promise. Let me have the chance to be your voice. I Love You. With that, he slipped the ring back into her finger. The girl finally smiled.
10/18/04
i came i saw thought i conquered. but i lost.
its only natural..very natural to be attracted to the one who smiles.. n do good.
n be repelled by those who sulk. .. n do bad.
sorry Zen.. have to break my promise.
everything's laid out. against me. Do i still go against everything. just to get wat i want.
no. i wont'. not this time. gonna work with the wind this time.. i'll make things easier for u.. i swear.
suddenly.. i hear some music...that made me cry. i realized...its my own music.. that i played a long while ago. so pathetic that i even pity myself huh.
sorry.
i m sorry i can't be as generous.. as forgiving... n as supporting as u want.
sorry i m depressed always at the wrong time.. happy at the wrong time. wanting u the wrong time.. n letting go at the wrong time.
i won't be happy. i won't smile. but i won't cry either. neither will i beg.
won't write bout how i feel anymore. cuz i dun care how i feel. doesn't matter.
won't turn to You again.. cuz i dun care whats gonna happen when i live. why should i care what happen when i die.
won't let u hold me anymore. cuz theres only one reason y u still wanna hold me. n i m all to be blameD for making that reason happen.
just go.
10/17/04
THE PRICE OF LOVE
some love too deep ....n were caught in it. n never could get out.. he was one of them..
some love too deep.. but felt unworthy of love.. so she ran away.
~Original Sin
what m i to think..that u could live in my world. of dirt n lies.
what m i to think.. that i could live in ur world.. of the Holy n the pure.
no matter how i pretend.. how i wanna fit in.. nothing good will come out of it. but if i stay long enough..a miracle would happen.. they always do. He always reward those with patience dun He.. wat bout those that sin..
if i had stolen.. kill n rape before.. n i tell u so.. but i tell u also that my mother is dead.. i was sexually abused.. n i was exploited by my own family.. could u find room to punish me?
so now if i tell u i m not wat i seemed to be..i did things that i have not forgiven myself.. but i tell u also that i have changed.. n that my feelings for u is real.. would u leave..
.. if i tell u that i have done more wrong than i should.. i did things that i dun care whether i should repent.. but i tell u that i really want u to be my friend.. would u still hug me when i needed u?
this is not a love story..
this is a story about love..
~Original sin
if today u know me as haze... i know u would love me... but tomoro if u know me as yen... would u love me?.. a love story has only 2 personas in them...they are always kind.. gentle .. their personality won't change..
while a story bout love.. has love.. between 2 souls.. souls change... they do.. i do.
would u love yen....?...
... .would u have believed me if i tell u i multilated part of my face.. would u..
i feel good.. writing it all out.. for people to see n console me.. but would u still come to me if i tell u that all that has happened to me before.. in the past.. NOW.. n the future doesn't matters to me. even what i m writing now.. as if they really matters.. as if i really care. as if i m being honest.
thats wat i m.. do i repel u now?..
wat matters to me now.. no.. not grades..not money... not career.. not u. not me.. not everybody... not Him.. nothing matters.
make it matter... please make everything matter to me.. back again.. i have lost my feelings once more... tears are dropping.. but i m not feeling painful... felt sadistic.
no..not because of u..not because of wat i did.. or wat u did.. even if it didn't happened... i would still be like this...its just the season.. not only u changes accordingly.. i do too.. n i have a feeling its worse..
cuz honestly.. i miss being alone.. miss being independant n miss looking annoyed n cool.
nothing interests me..
but i won't shut u out.. no.. cuz u r my friend.. when i needed u..u were there to hug me..n to remind me that there is someone there by my side... now i dun need u.. i'lls till be there.. not cuz i care.. but because u r important to me.. very important...
won't shut u out too.. of cos not.. no Y light zone... at least not in front of u... can't do that to u... won't.
pardon my stage act these coming days... blog's the only place i can write.. n i will write even if no one sees.. even if everybody sees.
even sometimes on the stage laughter can be real... n tears can be real..
if there were no tears.. no way to feel inside.. i still feel for u..
10/16/04
Calmi couri Appassionati
i do not understand.. why they have to hide.. all they are feeling inside.. n just keep quiet while i do wrong.. can''t they just tell me...do i not deserve at least a word..of consolation? or explanation?
i know i m not good enough.. but i will try... i'll try to be good..n be better.. cuz i know i can be better..but why didn't they gimme a chance? y always when i get fed up only they start to show signs..signs that i should have done more
wat m i talking about... nothing to do with any that has happened
can the freaking nightmares stop coming?
feel so sick.. wanna be alone from everyone... dun wanna care bout anyone.. like in the past.. do watever i wanna do.. duncare shit bout what others can't do.. n the fact that they need help... go eat whenever i wanted to ....instead of waiting for people.. n tagging along n wasting my time.. wanna read those books i wanna read... n wanna play piano when i reach home..not on the laptop..n waste my time chatting away with people that i dun really care about but i had to pretend i care cuz thats wat i should do.
feel so bad... can't have bad thoughts.. cant do bad things.. controlled in every single way i can be controlled.. wanna be free once more...
n do i love? have i loved??
Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing, And your voice caught within your chest?
It isn't Love, it's Like.
no they are not.. guess i dun like u....
You can't keep your eyes or hands off of them, am I right?
It isn't Love, it's Lust.
ok fine. lust then.
Are you proud, and eager to show them off?
It isn't Love, it's Luck.
no.. guess its not luck..never was luck
Do you want them because you know they're there?
It isn't Love, it's Loneliness.
ok..guess i m lonely..just lonely..
Are you there because it's what everyone wants?
It isn't Love, it's Loyalty.
no... of cos not... of cos not..wat bout u?
Do you stay for their confessions of Love, because you don't want to hurt them?
It isn't Love, it's Pity.
i'll think bout this if it is real...if confessions of love exists...but wat bout u?? u pity me?
Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand?
It isn't Love, it's being Unconfident.
do i feel more confident with u holding my hand?.. yes i do.. but do i feel less confident when u don't? no i don't.
Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat?
It isn't Love, it's Infatuation.
if my heart skipped one beat..i'll be dead already.
Do you pardon their faults because you care about them?
It isn't Love, it's Friendship.
who says lovers can't be friends?....they can? can they??
Do you tell them every day they are the only one you think of?
It isn't Love, it's a Lie.
only that its the truth..... ok..most of the time..97% of the time..that is.. but still..
Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake?
It isn't Love, it's Charity.
of cos.. then its charity?? ..
Does your heart ache and break when they're sad?
Then it's Love.
not really... not really.. dun even know if i care..
Are you attracted to others, but stay with them faithfully without regret?
Then it's Love.
yes..of cos i stay... without regret. but u? wat bout u..
Do you accept their faults because they're a part of who they are?
Then it's Love.
yes of cos... learnt to love them even more then ur positive side.. but still..why do i feel like theres something missing..
Do you cry for their pain, even when they're strong?
Then it's Love.
no i don't.. but when they cry.. i cry too.
Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?
Then it's Love.
yes it hurts... never stop hurting.
But do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and elation pulls you close and holds you?
Then it's Love.
i told u that love's painful..n happy.. now do u believe me? no pain..no gain... i m suffocating in my own pain n my own happiness.. yet can i call it love?
Would you give them your heart, your life, your death?
Then it's Love.
heart stolen. life given... death not taken yet.
....do love only exist when love is given AND taken?
if u r the one for me.. arent u supposed to feel the same?
if i m the one for u.. aren't i supposedly flawless to u?
if love's so complicated..could it be i dun love u.. n u actually love me?
if i love u... n u love me back.. why m i not feeling that incredibly high feeling of happiness?
so does that means u don't love me back? or i dun love u?
if i dun love u.. why do i think of u before i sleep.. n when i wake up.. could it be because u r the only one i hang out with so often? or could it be u r important?
if i dun love u.. why do i keep holding u close n not letting u go.. when i could actually have the strength to leave n feel nothing bout it..could it be i m stubborn? that i wanna show others we are long termed? or could it be i can't live without u if i choose to feel that way..
if i dun love u.. why do i feel sad everytime i see u afar.. n wanna feel u near.. why do i get upset when u chose to talk to others.. n refuses to talk to me.. could it be i m just possessive of u? n that i wanna show everybody u r mine? or could it be i can't spend one second away from u?
if u dun love me.. y do u tell me u can't bear seeing me without u by my side?.. could it be u can't bear seeing me sad? or could it be u r feeling guilty of causing my sadness.
if u dun love me.. y do i see u so happy when u r with me?.. is that laugh for real? or for fake?..
if u dun love me.. y do u always think of us n cry cuz u can't be perfect n can't be wat i want? y do u even care? if i do not love u.. would u stay? would u still not let go?
but if i do love u.. y m i frustrated at u for being u?
n if u do love me.. y won't u tell me?
if there were no words.. no way to speak.. i would still hear u..
if there were no tears..no way to feel inside i still feel for u..
n even if the sun refused to shine.. even if romance ran out of rhyme..
u would still have my heart until the end of time.. cuz all i need is u..my valentine..
all of my life.. i have been waiting for all u give to me..
u opened my eyes.. n showed me how to love unselfishly..
i dreamt of this a thousand times before. in my dreams i couldn't love u more..
i would give u my word until the end of time..
u r all i need my love.. my valentine
actually.. do i hear u?.. or m i imagining things?
i can't feel anything inside now... do i feel for u.. i guess i do..
the romance is long gone.. but is my heart still with u... ? well.. if i can't feel anything inside.. of cos its with u. duh.
.. all i need is u?.. only u?
10/10/04
another one of those
slept last night. prayed that it won't happen again.. but wasn't sincere when praying.. didn't care.. after all its just nightmares..isn't it? nightmares after bible reading..isn't it cool..whenever u r bored.. just pick up the bibe n then sleep.. n u get nightmares............ ugh.
read bible twice. twice i get nightmares. frist time dreamt that no one Cares.. still ok.. bit teary.. but not out yet.. so still ok..
yesterday night was the worst.
we were there again.. in the audience.. me..him..n my dad(ok.. this couldn't be bad since both of thm are together with me...right? ) ..the stage is empty .. only one man was on it.
he was blindfolded...by a cap that extneds up to the ceiling that helps him stay put. hands tied to his back... he look cold.. without feelings... as if he dun give a damn..
there were another man in front of him.. with a gun by his side. n then there were 3 judeges there.. wat competition this is.. i supposed.
there was a lso a choir.. they sang.. whie the projector shows a series of beutiful flowers in bloom.. they sky was still.. the clouds were gray..seems weird why everything doesn't fits.
n then.. the song finished. n the big clock up on top ding dong.
the judges looked at each other.. n said into the microphone.. 'now'.
the man in front of the prisoner raise up his gun n point it to the prisoners head ..we are al vv silent n still n without any care.. (but inside me.. i was wondering.. he's gonna kill that man?)
then... when he was about to pull the trigger. the door burst opened. everyone turned to look. except for the judges.. they looked at each other n groaned.. a man with greenish brown shirt walked in. the man with the gun froze...n tremble.. somehow he just can't pull the trigger.
then the green man walk up in front of the gun man n raised up his own gun n shooted.
the prisoner fling around lifelessly on the rope.
it was an execution. but the executioner wasn't legal. the shot were stolen. n its not judges, they were the timekeeper...keeping time of the life the prisoner should have.
everyone fled... screaming... allbecause of a green man who suddenly came in n shoot the prisoner whos gonna die anyway.
i seemed to be emotionless.. (i must have seen this countless of times.. haven't i?).. we walked out of the building.. n got into the car...
...............................
the next night..we were there again. n the same thing happened. the green man stole the shot once more. this time the judges are irritated... this green man has done this too many times to their executioner. n they were fed up why he always gets the shot. but the gunman this time were determine not to let the green man have the shot.
the greenman walked towards the prisoner.. n the gunman waited. when both of them were on par.. both raised their guns n cocked their head ,... the judges seemed excited... they want it to happen.. the prisoner's death had become a game.
the greenman won.
this time..no commotion was caused.. we walked out of the building in ot the dark night... talking about it...
the road was empty.. so i rushed to the other side without waiting for my dad n him.. they are always so slow.. that it frustrates me.
suddenly... they shouted "run!!.. run!! GO!!"
i looked to my left.. 5 young men were chasing after me. i ran .. n i ran.. i dun wanna end up in the stage. no. not me. (but wat makes me think that they will put me on stage..i dunno)
i ran... but i can hear other footsteps behind them.. it was him.. oh stupid.. my dad had already driven away... buthe was ont he chase..chasing the men who is chasing me. aiyo...
i ran n i ran around the streets.. past alleys.. n when i thought they are far enough.. i opened a door n i slipped in. it was a toilet...
but there's sofa... tv... n comforts there.. further behind are the cubicles... the last one is open..the others were shut. . i ran into the last one. n locked myself in.
it was silent..n still..as i breathe heavily n sweat heavily.hoping they won't find me.. hoping they won' turn back and take him instead.
waiting dreadfully... trying to stop myself from breathing so that my breaths Can't be heard.
everything was so still..n quiet.
suddenly.. a girl sang. she hummed...n then water splashed.. on her body... n then she talked to herself.. in mandarin... then she talked to me.."ni shi shui?" who r u...
i was trying to play it cool... ok.. so if i talk a little bit high pitch.. i might be able to pass off as a child toher.. n she won't try to shoo me out...
but my voice tremble n tremble.. i told her i m just a kid in need of a toilet...
then we talked.. both in different cubicles... unti i almost forgot there was a chase...... its hard talking high pitch...but its ok
suddenly the door opened. footsteps of 2 men ... she continued to talk to me..as if nothing has happened. my tongue were locked.. ic oudln't reply her... fearing they might recognize my voice.. i kept quiet... but she did not press her questions n make me talk.. she just ask other questions... sounds as if shes's talking to her self...
she was on my right... to my left theres another cubicle.. i heard that Door burst open.... n i saw a mans leg under the door of my cubicle.. i jumped on the toilet bowl silently... shaking with fear... then i realized" they would burst my door open if they thought no one is inside!"
so i talked to her... in a very shaky n fake high pitched voice.... she was telling me a joke... n i laughed... i said it was funny... then she asked.. how funny?
the men passed us.. n wlked towards the sofa.. suddenly there was a thud n i saw her head above the cubicle's wall.. she ahd long hair.. typical chinese..bit dark...
i was mouthing to her... help me.. help me.. those men wants me.. help me,..
she smiled... n said "now i know how funny it is.."
she stood back down onto the hard floor.. i was looking at the window above..wondrering if i could squeeze thru... she talked to me.. but her voice seemed near this time..i turned around just in time to see her walk THRU the door of my cubicle... going transparent when the door was in her.
i was frightened.. but my fear for those men were more.
i asked her.. how did she do that? n she made silly antics of telling me ur head had to be at a certain degree by the wall's side.. n she bent down n demonstrated ..putting her head to the wall..expecting it to go thru.. but she knocked her head instead...
we can hear those men wathcing tv there.. waiting.. for me.. i supposed..
she told me not to be afraid softly... i was shaking.. muttering nonsense n crying again.. then she held my hand n smiled to me... her hand felt cold. is she a ghost? ...
n sometimes i can feel those fingers of her go inside mine... as if they are not solide n just air... somtimes....
then she hold me.. pullled me to the door... n we walked thru the door.. i felt nothing... i was clam..vv calm..
we walked pass the men... they didn't seemed to notice....or didn't seemed to be able to see.
she held me closer n pulled me thru that door again... n we could see the other 3 men outside..waiting..scouting..running everywhere searching for me.. but i couldn't see him.. where is he.....
they couldn't see us....she take me to the right side... n walked me.. out into the streets ....n i can see him.. standing there..as usual.. waiting for me... but he coudn't see me....
she took me closer to him... n put my hand in his... then she walked away...
she turned back n she smiled..
he wasn't aware i was there... we just stood there silently..dumb.. then he look to his right. n saw me.. he gave a jump of fright.. but recovered quickly n quickly took me n ran with me..
we reach my home... my father was there.. n he was agitated..but not by the my running away... not by the men who is after me.. more.. theres something more that upsets him..
he rushed towards me n told me that i must be in campus. must. n he forced me inside the car.. n drove me.. away..muttering nonsense that i couldn't understand.. n we left him behind at my house.
i reached campus.. it was vv dark.. morning can't seem to come.. my dad walked me in.. n left me there... he drove away.
suddenly he was there... he pulled me close n told me " u need to kill someone . go get anything that can kill. "
i asked ..y?...
he said " they got ur mother. she's gonna be on stage. if u can kill the green man, they 'lll lost spirit n the gunman will not shoot"
( my monm is alreadydead... why r the killing her again?..is this y my dad is so upset... so she isn't dead yet?? i couldn't let her die this time... i let her die the first time..but not this time)
we ran all over the place..seraching for things.. there were no guns.. no knifes..only projectors... those things we use to draw circle with a sharp point in one end. n we can only get one.
then we rushed to the building.. n we saw the 5 men.. but they look at us n just looked away.. as if we didn't exist... then i realized... because i escaped... they took my mom instead.
i was furious.. i rushed into the building. my father was there. we stood beside him..he was calm but crying.. the stage is empty. everything was dark this time. i walked in front of the audience.. waiting.. holding the sharp end in my hand. i m not gonna let her die this time. not my mother.
we waitied... vv long.. nothing happened.. i took the time to ask everyone for projectors.. why projectors.. i do not understand )....we got about 30 of them.. my father saw.. but he didn't say anything.. why is he so weak/?? why is he just going to watch her die again???
then the judges rushed in.. sweaty.. flustered.. apparently something happneed... but they look satisfied.
the big screen brightened.. there was a choir... a bigger one... why... i do not understand.
i do not care... i just wanna kill that greenman... the flowers they show this time were bigger... more blossoms..more colour..n more windy... the choir has the strong will in them.....
the camera turned away from the choir... n from top's view.. focused on the stage.. where 2 man is standing on it.. the camera go closer..n closer. the left man is the greenman.. they caught him..hes the prisoner on the stage this time.. i can't kill anyone.. anymore.. he is going to be killed.. he won't be killing my mother... i can't save her..
there were 10 gunmen this time in front of both of them.. guns raised to them.
then the camera turned right... n focused on my mother's face...her mouth. who's eyes n nose are hidden by the blindfold.
he mouth n her skin is decayed. white n peeling. i still remember this mouth .. i watched it when she was feeding me last time... why izzit so gross now?. i can recognize her body.. a lil hunchback..n her mass of black hair..
then the camera go closer..until only the mouth is visible.. i was so repelled by her dry white mouth with dry peeling skin.... that i just was so frightened by the sight of her ..as if she's a demon..
n i woke up.
... n i knew wat this meant. i had never loved her. never.
i wasn't frightened by those men....nor by the fact that my dad dun care... or that he is in danger. wasn't frigthened by the girl who can walkt hru doors... or by the fact that my mom is gonna be killed again.
but i m frightened by her sight. so frightened that i was jolted awake.
if u saw ur mom.. like that. u would have cried.. or rushed towards n kill all those gun men.
but i didn't. i had never felt fear..or sadness..because i was so determined not to let her die..
because i never love her.. n because of that.. i let her die when i was 8.. n now even in my dreams.. i let her die..
over n over again.
its been years since i last dreamt of her... n everytime she is silent... not willing to even look at me... the last time i dreamt bout her..i was walking up the stairs. n she walking down.. i kept on staring at her until i get banged by the car.
forgive me mom... for i haven't been a daughter when u r here.. n also when u r gone.. n i never love u.. i m sorry i didn't mourn for u in ur funeral.. i didn't cry... no..i wasn't too young to understand.. its just that i didn't love.. i m sorry i always leave u alone in ur room...to ur thoughts just because i wanted to play.. i have never given u a glass of water before.. or folded ur clothes before... i had never even hug u when u r sick.. cuz u look so frail. i m afraid my hug will break ur bones... n i didn't wan to see that sight...
forgive me for blaming u.... insisting that u gave up on me n my father when u left us... now i understnd... it is we who have given up on u.. it is we.
God.. now i know y u took her away.. someone that good..doesn't deserve us.. she deserve a better place.. a place where her sisterS won't beat her anymore... n a place where peple she love will love her back.
forgive me Lord..for i have sinned.. i did not love those who love me.. not even You.
forgive me.
10/9/04
love is when u miss someone so much.. n just wanted to reach out to that person..
but u find it in ur heart not to reach out to them... cuz..
u wanted them to reach u first....
definitions of love[all by me] copyrighted. snarl.
love is when u think of nothing.. not even that person.. then u wonder.. y aren't u thinking of him.. is he not thinking of me too?.. y m i not missing his presense?.. is he around n about? why didn't he call? why din he reach out to me?
n then.. u realize.. u ARE thinking of him at that moment.
10/8/04
a photolog
trip to kl and putrajaya... pics excluding buildings..those will be up later...
me..in klcc...
darrl n i in the skybridge of klcc.. note the scenery behind us.. (because i had enhanced it with photoshop..) :D
ha????oh no... the sky's not bright no more
.... and then .. pics of my roomate
alice
there's this rabbits in cages in our campus..
ah. thats us again. at the camera..
thats darryl..eyes looking huge..[who says my eyes r small??]
wind wind wind...........u tickle me..
thats darryl...being photographer.. n me being model n photoshopper.
a little recap.....old photos
nice hair?
now this is AFTER... straightening's a miracle.( i mean..................)
a lil photoshopping n i m a beauty..muahaha
the key won't fit the lock
i love playing in the rain.. thank You God.. for giving me rain today. i know You care... even when i don't.
such a fool..me.. such a fool.. turning back..wanting more. letting go ..hurting him.
both ways are wrong. nothing seems right.
when i have him.. dun appreciate him.. turning him away.. rejecting him.. pushin him.. when i dun have him.. kept pulling back...
there are some things that just couldn't be changed..no matter how i try..no matter how bad it
http://www.jaychoustudio.com/jaychoustudio/Translations_Scripts/Silence.html
can't finD words to say how i feel..
perhaps this i can say..
u forgive me for loving u too much..
n i'll forgive you for not loving me enough.
u forgive me for missing you so..
n i'll forgive u for being so cold
u forgive me for the loud racing of my heart
n i'll forgive u for not hearing it.
u forgive me for playing with you.
n i'll forgive u for toying with my emotions...
u forgive me for finding u so attractive
n i'll forgive u for not noticing..
u forgive me for raising u up so high..
n i'll forgive u for bring me down so low..
u forgive me for wanting to be with u..
n i'll forgive u for avoiding me..
u forgive me for being so pathetic..
n i'll forgive u for taking advantage of it.
u forgive me for having hopes n dreams..
n i'll forgive u for crushing them..
u forgive me for loving u too much..
n i'll forgive u for nothing. nothing at all..
u forgive me for giving my heart to u..
n i'll forgive u for breaking it.
u forgive me for not being able to let go..
n i'll forgive u for never having latched on.
.............................................................................
JAY CHOU - an jing [silence]
theres only the piano left for me to talk to about my day..or the sleeping cello...
the same old usual silence..
i knew that u already made it very clear.. i understood and i know... you won't miss me.
you said that u will feel upset..that i do not believe..
hand in hand with u..with ur companionship.. thats only in the past.
i hope that she will love u more than i do...only then i will force myself to leave
you wanted me to say it.. over n over.. its shameful to me.
cuz i had no intention of leaving at all....
but y do u still want me to smile n pretend to be ok??
i do not have that kind of talent.. to still hold u and accept her at the same time.
please don't worry..u dun need to...i will still live on..
u have already walk away so far.. so i guess i will too.. but more slowly than u.
why izzit that i will always surrender to u..even where we are separated.
i do not have that kinda gift... to be silent so fast.. can't give up yet..
but i will... because i love you too much.
