haze

THE MAN I LOVE THE MOST

it was snowing.. freezing cold on the outside.. but the warmest feeling in the heart.. being with my boyfriend.. throwing snowballs at each other... laughing.. hugging..

ah... there's my father. behind that block of snow.. he'w waving at us.. walking.. oh.. who's there next to him?

we sauntered to my father happily arm in arm.. laughing n smiling.. my father wasn't looking at us.. he was looking at that man next to him with horror.

i was still smiling.. as if his expression is just a joke.. my father's hand is on his stomach...


he slumped to the snowy ground next to the huge block of snow. the man somehow faded aways because all that is there in my mind is my father with a knife protuding out from his stomach.


...................................................

the doctor is outside the room..he doesn't look promising.

i came up to him, unprepared .. but still i went up. somehow. my boyfriend had left. i m alone.

all alone.

...he's not going to make it. the doctor said. the wound is too deep n too late to be healed.




.................................................


he's lying down in the hospital bed. i was there beside him. eyes so red n swollen with tears that i could no longer hide with a smile.. he awaken.

i tried my best to talk to him as usual. with my usual sacarsm. usual glint of laughter in my eyes.. but everytime i see him so uneasy.. so uncomfortable in his current physical state, my heart twitches with the utmost pain. so painful i couldn't keep the pain inside me.. i just felt like pouring them all out in tears..


he talked as if nothing has happened.. with the same ease... but there's this sadness in his eyes that somehow speak the truth..that they knew he's not going to make it.

------------------------------------------------------






I awaken.... on my hostel bed.. face wet with tears... crying so vulnerably... fel was already awake...


I reached for my handphone.. n smsed my dad... I miss him so badly... just wanna feel him near me... n let him scold me for everything I do.. I don't care... I just want him near.


Fel came over.. n asked me wats wrong.. I told her..........n she said that.. if.. u dream of a person's death, it usually means u r going to die first before that person....


Somehow.. I dun feel disappointed or hurt hearing that.. I felt relieved..knowing that everyday in my life, I'll have my father by my side. .its ok if I had to die early.. it really didn't matter one bit.


Went to bathe... n cried again under the shower.... shaking uncontrollably with tears.. how weak... I m.. how very weak.

Somehow everything isn't right without him to nag me.. n bring me out for supper….


I miss him so much.... If I can.. I will hire all the angels in the sky to watch over him. n keep him safe